
EDGAP A . WFIRNFTP A. "CQ 

'pyiolit, 1912, by Edgar S. Werne 



Two-Character Plays 

(That is Each Play Has Two Characters) 



Specially Recommended and Published by 

EDGAR S. WERNER $ COMPANY, 43 East 19th St., New Yorh 



Awakening of Galatea. 25c. illus- 
trated Romantic Statue Scene from play 
"Pygmalion and Galatea," by W. S. Gil- 
bert, im, if. 30 min. Arranged and poses 
by Helen M. Schuster. Photographs from 
life. Greek costumes. The gods grant ar- 
tist's prayer to have his woman statue come 
to life. Her awakening to life _ and to 
love, and the predicament the artist (who 
is married) finds himself in, make a dainty 
and interesting play, suitable for children 
or adults. 

Backward Child. 15c. H. L. C. Pem 

berton. Farce Comedy in i act. 20 min. 
2f. Elderly governess is engaged for "a 
backward child," who turns out saucy, pre- 
cocious and badly spoiled, and who makes 
first lesson such a torment to governess that 
she decides to resign to great delight of 
child. 

BOX of Powders. 15c. Farcical Ro- 

mantic Courting Scene in i act. i hour, 
im, if. Young widow, having set up in 
window dummy of old man to make good 
her foolish story to an admirer that _ she 
had an old and infirm husband, is fright- 
ened by admirer's (who has learned of 
her deception by use of telescope) threat 
to force an entrance to her apartment into 
showing willingness to marry a colonel, 
who has called, and who, because of plas- 
ters on his feet, has been in agony and 
has been going through ridiculous antics 
and subterfuges to explain his conduct. 

Breaking the Ice. 15c. c. Thomas. 

Romantic Comedy in i act. 50 min. im, 
if. Young couple, whose parents have 
planned their marriage, meet by chance in 
inn (the girl running from home to avoid 
meeting man whom she has never seen, 
the man going to her house to keep the 
parents' engagement) and like each other 
so well that, on finding the other's identity, 
become engaged on the spot and go to girl's 
home. 

Confederates, The. 15c. Comedy Court- 
ing Scene in I act. 15 min. im, if. To 
bring dilatory lover to marriage proposal, a 
girl, under pretext of warding off old ob- 
jectionable lover planning to propose, gets 
lover to pretend an engagement just for 
one evening at ball, result being a real, 
permanent engagement. 



Crystal Gazer. 15 c. L. Montague. Far- 
cical Fortune-teller Scene in 1 act. 30 
min. 2f. Mistaking girl seeking lover's 
address for another girl looking for lost 
poodle, a fortune-teller gets things ridicu- 
lously mixed, getting out of scrape by in- 
formation in letter from lover, who like- 
wise was looking for girl's address, written 
by him on his cuff, which he "inadvertently 
sent to the wash." 

Fast Friends. 15c. R. Henry. Comedy 
Play. 30 min. 2f. Two women, intimate 
friends, who had never met the other's hus- 
band, in telling of their having met, at a 
concert and lecture, men who spoke of their 
unappreciative wives, learn that their own 
husbands had schemed to cure their wives of 
visiting so much. 

Happy Ending. 15c. B. Moore. Ro- 
mantic Pathos Play in 1 act. 35 min. af. 
Woman, who as young wife had wrongly 
deserted husband and baby, when middle- 
aged is so lonely that she advertises for 
companion. Her own daughter, whom she 
does not know, gets the position and suc- 
ceeds in reconciling her parents, to their 
mutual happiness. 

He, She and It. 15c. Wm. Muskerry. 
Comedy Matrimonial Scene in i act. 30 
min. im, if. Young wife, having worked 
herself into hysterics because of husband's 
lateness on evening of her birthday, scolds 
unceasingly, not giving him chance to ex- 
plain; but when he produces presents for 
herself and baby, is ashamed and happy to 
become reconciled. 

Husband in Clover. 15c. H. C. Meri 

vale. Farcical Matrimonial Scene in i act. 
i hour, im, if. Young husband, ennuiel 
with placid life with loving and devote'l 
wife, expresses his discontent by writing 
in book praises of other girls he thinks he 
might have married. His wife, reading 
these entries unbeknown to him, cures his 
nonsense by simulating the various charac- 
teristics he thinks so commendable in others 
but lacking in his own wife. 

Little Flirts. 35c. Clara Macmonagle- 
Britten. Illustrated Flirtation Dance and 
Pantomime. For I boy and i _ girl, or 2 
girls, one dressed as boy. Music and full 
directions given. 9 photographs from life. 



List of Two-Character Plays Continued on Third Cover Page of This B00K 



Love Story of Uneeda Ad 

Romantic Comedy in two scenes 
11 m, 6f., and supes 



By MATTIE LEE HAUSGEN 



^r^WMJ^ 



wi 




EDGAR S. WERNER & COMPANY 

43 East 19th Street 

NEW YORK 



Copyright, 1912, by Edgar S. Wermtr 



©CI.D 29505 



Love Story of Uneeda Ad 

CHARACTERS 

GIRLS. 

Uneeda Ad. 

Baker's Cocoa, a widow. 

Hiawatha Pure Spring Water. 

Dutch Cleanser. 

Gold-Dust Twins. 

Spotless-Town Maid (Sapolio). 

BOYS. 

Heinz Pickle. 

Ham Devil. 

McLaren Cheese. 

Peter Milk Chocolate. 

Ralston Miller. 

Dutch Paint. 

Winchester Rifle. 

Quaker Oats. 

Swift's Cook. 

Pure Food. 

Spotless-Town Policeman. 

Spotless-Town People (any number). 

Note. — Each character should imitate as closely as possible make-up and 
costume of the familiar figures in the printed advertisements. To further insure 
instant recognition by audience, name of each character represented should be 
printed on garments in large letters. 



SCENE I. 

Stage-Directions: Sign, in large letters, "Pure Food Con- 
vention, Headquarters," tacked across wall at back of stage. 
Large frame, covered with tissue paper, representing can of Ham 
Devil with picture of Devil on front, at R. of stage. Large Heinz 
Pickle, with "57" on front side, suspended at L. of stage. Small 
table, two chairs up C. and blooming plants at either side. Box 
of checkers on table. Curtain rises on Spotless-Town People 
in a row. 



4 LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 

Spotless-Town People. 

[These verses may be sung in chorus, or if spoken, each char- 
acter may deliver one or more lines in turn.] 

From Spotless-Town, 
Of wide renown, 
We come. No bogie man, 
Nor Pure Food Laws, 
Can tremors cause 
To us, not under ban. 

Sapolio, 

As all well know, 

Is enemy to dirt, 

And mud, and dust, 

And even rust, — 

It ever does them hurt. 

Then shout, oh ! oh ! 

Sapolio 

Leaves all things shining bright; 

In every home 

It solves the sum 

Of turning dark days bright. 

[Enter Gold-Dust Twins L. As they do so Spotless-Town 
People group to R. Gold-Dust Twins point to Spotless-Town 
People.] 

Gold-Dust Twins. 

We'd like to know what they wants here 

With us to clean. 
[Enter Hiawatha Pure Spring Water L. Gold-Dust Twins 
show fear of her and run to C] 

Oh, dear ! Oh, dear ! 

Live Injuns here ! 

We're struck with fear ! 

[Gold-Dust Twins join hands and exit R., running. Hia- 
watha Pure Spring Water puts hand over eyes and peers after 



LOVE STORY OF U NEED A AD 5 

them, backs off L., advances a fczv steps; and, standing at L., 
addresses Spotless-Town People at R.] 

Hiawatha Pure Spring Water. [Bozvs and lays hand on 
breast.] 

Hiawatha Pure Spring Water 
[Spotless-Town People all bow, men witH much ceremony.] 
Bears a noble Indian's name, 
Sparkling as his deeds of daring, 
Clear as was his eye in aiming, 
Pure as Minnehaha's wooing, 
Cool as mountain brooklet's flowing, 
Fresh as his undying fame, 
Good as Arrow-Maker's daughter. 

[Enter McLaren Cheese L. Hiawatha Pure Spring Water 
starts away from him to C. Spotless-Town People form in 
line across stage back of them, as interested spectators. McLaren 
Cheese approaches Hiawatha Pure Spring Water.] 

McLaren Cheese. 

Dear lassie, muckle wild and fleet, 
Where does this Food Convention meet? 

[Enter Ralston Miller R.] 

Ralston Miller [to McLaren Cheese]. 

Oh, Scotchie, she can't understand [points to sign]. 
Right here. Look, man ! When did you land ? 
With bread [points to himself] and water [indicates 

Hiawatha] and such cheese [points to McLaren 

Cheese], 
The public we shall surely please. [Points off R.] 
He comes on whom the public dotes ! 

[Enter Quaker Oats R.] 
Hello ! my friend, old Quaker Oats ! 

[All bow. Quaker Oats doffs hat.] 
Well, animated Breakfast Food, 
A checker game to me looks good. 



6 LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 

[Ralston Miller and Quaker Oats go to table. Ralston 
spreads out apron and they play checkers. McLaren Cheese 
offers arm to Hiawatha and escorts her to L., ivhere they stand 
conversing. Enter Dutch Paint R. running from Dutch Cleans- 
er. They circle around stage tzvo or three times, Dutch Paint 
falls over Ralston's outstretched foot as he is seated at checker- 
table, and falls, spilling his paint. Dutch Cleanser instantly 
drops to knees and cleans up paint as Dutch Paint retires to 
R., ruefully watching her.] 

Dutch Cleanser [coming to Dutch Paint and shaking 
stick.] 

What for you mus' dis floor all hup ! 

Before you haf a bite or sup 

You must some better manners know. 
Dutch Paint. 

You come from Holland, is not so? 

I dink I like to be your beau ! 

[Dutch Cleanser refuses to be pacified and flirts off L. Dutch 
Paint goes R.] 
Ralston Miller [rises from table]. 

A foreigner, again I see [looks off L.]. 

[Enter Peter Milk Chocolate L.] 

Peter Milk Chocolate. 

"High as the Alps in quality." 

[Bows. All return his -salutation.] 
Ralston Miller. 

My friend, you are a little late. 

[Ralston Miller and Quaker Oats come to either side of 
Peter Milk Chocolate.] 

Peter Milk Chocolate. 

Yes, I am Peter Choco-late! [Emphasises "late." 

From pockets he hands samples of packages, made 

of wood.] 
These of our goods show just the shape. 

[Ralston tries to eat his.] 



LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 7 

Ralston Miller. 

- They're only wood ! 
Quaker Oats. 

You foreign ape ! 

[Addresses all.] 

And now, kind friends, I bid thee look 

For here doth come 

Ralston Miller [points off R.~\. 

Swift's Little Cook! 
Quaker Oats. 

Full small to draw a load so great. 
Ralston Miller. 

What has he? 
Quaker Oats. 

Something in a crate. 
Ralston Miller. 

A precious freight. Oh, yes, indeed ! Ah ! 

It is our dearly beloved Uneeda ! 

[Swift's Cook enters R. drawing freight-truck holding immense 
Uneeda Biscuit-Box. Stops at C] 

Ralston Miller. [Comes to Uneeda Biscuit-Box at C] 
This goods, to guard against all crackage, 
Is served direct, right from the package. 

[He tears off paper, opens box; he and Quaker Oats help 
Uneeda out. McLaren Cheese, Peter Milk Chocolate, 
Dutch Paint and Ralston Miller gather close around her.~\ 

Uneeda [smiles]. 

My ! I am glad to see you all. 
Dutch Paint [hand to heart]. 

For dot maid sure I take a fall ! 
Swift's Cook. 

You see, we had a close, close call; 

Pure Food's new auto ran us down, 

A Pope machine of just renown. 



8 LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 

Ralston Miller [to Uneeda]. 

You know, McLaren, Peter, Dutch 

[Uneeda bozvs carelessly, they bow zvith much politeness.] 
Dutch Paint. 

AchJ Miss Uneeda, I lofe you much ! 
Uneeda. 

What ! Little Dutchman. No ! Not you ! 

Love maid of your own country, do ! 

[Dutch Paint starts tozvard her, accidentally touching her 
sleeve with his paint-brush. Dutch Cleanser takes spot off, and 
with her stick motions him away.] 

Dutch Cleanser [follows him to L.] 

Ach ! Vy it is you awkward ben ? 
It's good for you dat I can clean ! 

[In shaking her stick at Dutch Paint, Dutch Cleanser 
strikes pickle overhead and Heinz Pickle leaps out from back of 
pickle.] 

Heinz Pickle. 

Thanks, thanks, Miss Dutchie, for that tip. 

[He yawns.] 

I've slept almost as long as Rip ! 
Quaker Oats. 

You're surely not as old as he. 
Heinz Pickle [pointing to big pickle]. 

I'm 57, the world can see; 

And yet well loved by girls at school, 

In weather either hot or cool. 

[Sees Uneeda. Comes to L. of her.] 
Your school-days, dear, are not far off; 
Come, say that I am young enough ! 
Peter Milk Chocolate [wheedingly at Uneeda' s right]. 
I thought girls ever found it handy 
To have around a box of candy. 
And then, 'tis true, whate'er you think, 



LOVE STORY OF U NEED A AD 9 

I'm jnst as good as food or drink. 

Fair lady, you are slightly salt, 

I do not mean to find a fault. 
Quaker Oats [listening up stage]. 

Belay a saucy tongue like thine! 
Heinz Pickle [to Uneeda]. 

Yes, I was salty too, in brine. 
Quaker Oats [pointing to Peter Milk Chocolate]. 

His manner dashing debonair. 
Ralston Miller [observing from background also]. 

I surely fear he will get there. 
Peter Milk Chocolate [to Uneeda]. 

And I have scaled the highest Alps. 
Ralston Miller. 

Proud as an Indian of his scalps. 
[Hiawatha Pure Spring Wate-r listens.] 
Hiawatha Pure Spring Water. 

Alas, our scalping days are o'er ! 

Instead of scalps all stained with gore — 

We buy tame switches at the store! 
Peter Milk Chocolate [to Uneeda]. 

For all my wares there's great demand, 

Though made away in foreign land. 
Ralston Miller. 

That neck of his — he'd surely risk it, 

To wed our dear Uneeda Biscuit. 

[Stage darkens, red fire behind ham can. Ham Devil bursts 
tissue paper and comes to front of stage. Lights up.] 
H*am Devil. 

In that tin can I nearly choked; 

[Dutch Paint comes to FIam Devil at R., staring at him curi- 
ously. Dutch Cleanser comes to L. Ham Devil steals Dutch 
Paint's pipe out of his pocket, lights it. Dutch Cleanser shakes 
stick at him; he grabs brush from Dutch Paint's bucket, dabs 
her in face. She gets her cleaner from apron pocket and wipes 
it off.] 



10 LOVE STORY OF U NEED A AD 

It seems an age since I have smoked. 

[Takes a few whiffs, makes a face, puts it back into Dutch 
Paint's pocket, steals cigars from Peter Milk Chocolate and 
steals matches from Ralston Miller.] 

Quaker Oats. 

A moment, sir, do kindly mention 

What brings you here, to this convention? 

Ham Devil. 

Sure! All conventions end in revel, 
And then they always raise the devil ! 

[Ham Devil steals puffed rice out of Quaker Oats's pockets, 
pelts people with it, steals little pickles from Heinz Pickle, nibbles 
and makes puckery face.] 

Quaker Oats [to Ham Devil]. 

Of all the countries, where's your home? 

Perhaps from place to place you roam? 
Ralston Miller. 

Alas ! He hails from ev'ry nation, 

He feels at home in all creation ! 
McLaren Cheese [to Uneeda at R.]. 

Full weel I ken ye love me not. 
Ham Devil [standing C, smokes cigar]. 

What talk is this — pure Tommyrot ! 
McLaren Cheese [seising Uneeda's hand]. 

O bonnie lassie ! Bonnie sair. 
Ham Devil. 

For goodness sake, go cut your hair ! 
Peter Milk Chocolate [to Uneeda]. 

My love for you is full and free, 

"High as the Alps in quality !" 
Ham Devil [grabbing Heinz Pickle]. 

Come, take a pickle, do be quick, 

Too many sweets will make you sick! 

[Pops a pickle into Uneeda's mouth.] 
[Enter Baker's Cocoa L.„ with tray.] 



LOVE STORY OF U NEED A AD 11 

Baker's Cocoa. 

She's sick? Then this will soon revive. 

[Passes cocoa to Uneeda, Hiawatha, Quaker Oats, and one 
or two others']. 

Quaker Oats [smacks lips after drinking cocoa]. 

We all are now much more alive ! 
[Ham Devil puts his cup, saucer and spoon into his pocket. 
Gold-Dust Twins come in from R. to collect dishes. They reach 
Ham Devil last, hold up Baker's Cocoa tray for his cup. Ham 
Devil has resumed smoking; puffs into their faces; they almost 
drop tray, shriek and fly out L.] 
Ralston Miller [to Uneeda]. 

Far lands are good ; but, in their place, 
Come, choose a mate of your own race ! 

Quaker Oats [to Baker's Cocoa, indicating Ralston Mil- 
ler] . 

He is the very life of her, 

Her backbone, breath and character ! 
Uneeda. 

You seem a very part of me, — 

No miller, then no flour, you see. 

No flour, then no Uneeda Ad; 

And this, dear friends, would make you sad. 
[Peter Milk Chocolate weeps.] 

Don't cry; you'll be a sticky mass, 

And not a mate for any lass. 

I have a cousin to your taste, 

So tears on me no longer waste. 

Nabisco, you must surely meet her, 

Her form is smaller, flavor sweeter. 
[To McLaren Cheese.] 

Reception Flake would just suit you ; 

She is my charming cousin, too. 
[To Heinz Pickle.] 

While Butter Thin would make you glad 

You two will run the school-girls mad ! 



12 LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 

[To Ralston Miller.] 

And, when I fix my wedding-day, 
Dear Ralston here, gives me away. 

[Swift's Cook sighs. ~\ 

Why Cook, you have no cause to take on, 
Your useful art will save your bacon. 
Whate'er betide, I'll still take you, 
Without a Cook what could I do? 

[Swift's Cook smiles and bows low.] 
Ham Devil. 

Uneeda, dear, you serve me well, 
We two would help each other sell ! 
Your taste is somewhat namby-pam — 
Uneeda touch of spicy ham. 

[Points to himself.] 
Baker's Cocoa [to Quaker Oats]. 

I fear for her a sad, sad fate; 
I wish she'd taken Chocolate. 

[Ham Devil glides behind Baker's Cocoa and unties her apron.] 
Quaker Oats [sentimentally to Baker's Cocoa]. 

She cannot be as wise as thou. 
Ham Devil [hisses behind hand to Quaker Oats]. 

Get out, you're awkward as "Sis Cow !" 

Quaker Oats [to Baker's Cocoa, tying her apron, she looking 
over her shoulder at him] . 

See, we would pull quite well together ! 

Ham Devil [grabbing Dutch Cleanser's stick and spinning 
Quaker Oats's hat on it]. 

This hat goes fine for rainy weather ! 

Ralston Miller [interested in courtship of Quaker Oats, 
grabs hat from Ham Devil and restores it] . 



LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 13 

Is it a go, O son of Penn, 

This match of yours ? Just tell us when ! 

Heinz Pickle [pointing to Quaker Oats]. 

He's dry as dead Penn's bones are now. 
Ralston Miller. 

But she's alive, you will allow ! 

[Gazing at Quaker Oats and Baker's Cocoa spooning.'] 
The old, they say, do have it bad. 

[Ham Devil steals up behind Baker's Cocoa, gets her cap, 
stuffs it into his pocket.] 

That Devil yet will drive them mad. 

[Quaker Oats recovers cap and restores it to Baker's Cocoa.] 

Ham Devil [in ear of Baker's Cocoa]. 

Though Quaker's words sound sweet and nice, 
They're greatly puffed, just like his rice! 

[Auto-honk sounds.] 

Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Pray tell 
It sounds like horns they blow in — well, Hat 
[To Quaker Oats.] 
What's that? 

[Enter Pure Food R.] 
Ralston Miller. 

It is our friend, the Pure Food Man, 
Our wares he praises, every can ! 

[All salute Pure Food, who bows. Uneeda 
smiles, fascinated.] 
Uneeda, sir, is quite worn out 
For lovers, fond, from thin to stout, 
Their ardent suits have pled in vain. 
Pure Food [comes C. to Uneeda]. 

Your heart seems lacking foreign gates, 
You lean, then, to United States ? 



14 LOVE STORY OF U NEED A AD 

[Points to tiny United States flag in his lapel. Ham Devil plucks 
bloom from plant at back of stage.] 

Ham Devil. 

Uneeda, are you fond of flowers? 

I found this, after searching hours ! 
Uneeda. 

Why, flour? That is all I am, 

With salt and water, Mr. Ham ! 

[Tears flower in ttvo and throws it into his face. Ham Devil 
steals cigars from Pure Food as he talks with Uneeda. Lights 
one of them.] 

Pure Food [sentimentally]. 

If you for flowers really care, 

I'll pluck the earth's best gardens bare ! 

And, if you have a taste for birds, 

I'll have them served with loving words. 

While animals, and fishes too 

Shall have their being, just for you! 
Ham Devil [discarding cigar]. 

With disappointment I could weep! 

That was a beastly stogie, cheap ! 
Baker's Cocoa [to Quaker Oats]. 

I feel a tiny bit de trop, 

I think we'd really better go ! 
Pure Food [to Baker's Cocoa]. 

Thanks, Chaperone, for here you see 

[Indicates Uneeda.] 

If all goes well my bride to be. 

Each one of you is pure perfection ; 

Go, of your wares make good selection, 

That all who come from West or East 

May test them at our wedding- feast. 

[All go out, some R., some L., leaving Pure Food and Uneeda. 
Dutch Cleanser shakes stick at Ham Devil, who exits last and 
glances back.] 



LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 15 

Ham Devil [going out L.] 

His auto, — what does make it go? 

I'll now investigate and know. 
Pure Food [to Uneeda]. 

Your eyes speak much; but, I confess, 

I'd love to hear your lips say "yes." 
Uneeda. 

This is so sudden, in a wink, 

I hardly know, sir, what I think ! 

Pure Food. 

It is your timid nature hinders. 

[Noise of explosion. Gold-Dust Twins rush in from R.] 

Gold-Dust Twins. 

Your auto's busted, Marse, to flinders ! 

[Pure Food hurries out R. with them, Uneeda faints as Ham 
Devil rushes in L.] 

Ham Devil [melodramatically']. 

While others loiter to decide 
This pretty girl shall be my bride ! 

[Ham Devil pulls Uneeda Biscuit-box from back of stage, lifts 
Uneeda in, closes top, looks around for string; spies Swift's 
Vienna sausage-can, opens it with dagger from his belt; ties box 
with sausage and is dragging Uneeda out. Sound of rifle is 
heard, and link of sausage is severed, leaving box in middle of 
stage. Hiawatha Pure Spring Water rushes in L. and tires 
arrozvs R. after fleeing Ham Devil. Enter from R. and L. 
Baker's Cocoa, Quaker Oats, Pure Food, Swift's Cook. Mc- 
Laren's Cheese. Pure Food and Quaker Oats bend anxiously 
over Uneeda Box in which Uneeda now lies hidden from view. 
Enter Winchester Rifle L., looking anxiously to see what his 
rifle brought down.] 

Winchester Rifle. 

I shot at wild geese through a fog ! 

[They shozv him sausage.] 
Oh, what a miss, I hit a dog! 



16 LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 

Swift's Cook. 

I'd have you know our goods are pure, 

Pure Food he says it, so it's sure ! 
Winchester Rifle. 

What? Pure blood dog? My ! What a waste ! 
Baker's Cocoa [looking into box~\. 

Uneeda's still unconscious ! Haste ! 
Quaker Oats. 

Here, Indian, some spring water, cool, 

Should bring her round. 

[Hiawatha starts off toward R. Enter Ralston Miller R. 
who stops Hiawatha.] 

Ralston Miller. 

It is the rule 
That to the huntress goes the prize, 
These trophies will delight your eyes. 

[Hands Ham Devil's cap and tail to Hiawatha Pure Spring 
Water, who smilingly brandishes them aloft.] 

Quaker Oats. 

Out West thy plains are broad and level, 

Thee hunts big game. 
Ralston Miller. 

She shot the Devil ! 

Shot off his cap 

Shot off his tail ! 

Her Indian courage 

Did not fail ! 
Quaker Oats [holding up Ham Devil's tail and cap which he 
takes from Hiawatha] . 

'Though pen is mightier than the sword, 

Her shot was good, upon my word. 
Winchester Rifle [taking cap and tail from Quaker Oats]. 

I must confess that this beats me, 

For, heads or tails, you win, you see ! 



LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 17 

Ralston Miller. 

Now, watch him act out Captain Smith, 
I always thought he was a myth. 

[Enter from R. Heinz Pickle and Peter Milk Chocolate 
with Ham Devil, struggling. Ham Devil is minus cap and tail.] 

Heinz Pickle. 

The capture's Pete's, to run's his fort, 
His Devilship made straight for court, 
He said he'd feel at home right there, 
But Peter caught him on the stair. 

Pure Food. 

So far, Uneeda has not seen — 
Heinz Pickle. 

Let's hide him in my pickle green. 

[They put Ham Devil into the big pickle.] 
Then tie him tight, with his own twine, 

[Tying him with sausage.] 
And drop him down deep into brine. 

Hiawatha [to Winchester Rifle]. 

Do hand him back his tail and cap ! 
For such souvenirs who gives a rap? 

[Winchester Rifle places cap and tail into big Heinz Pickle 
With Ham Devil. Heinz Pickle and Peter Milk Chocolate 
take him out L.] 

Ralston Miller. 

Say, are you sure all's on the level? 

I don't like fooling with a Devil ! 

Your brine must be full good and strong, 

Or it will never hold him long! 
Baker's Cocoa [joyfully]. 

Uneeda feels quite well again ! 

[Uneeda sits up in box. Pure Food gallantly helps her out. 
They take scats at either side of table, facing audience.] 



18 LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 

9 

Pure Food. 

We wed to-morrow, then, at ten! 
[To all, rising.] 

Go spread this news of fair renown ! 
Go tell the folks of Spotless-Town ! 

[Exit R. and L. Ralston Miller, Hiawatha, Baker's Cocoa, 
Quaker Oats, Swift's Cook, McLaren Cheese and Winches- 
ter Rifle. Enter L. Gold-Dust Twins, each bearing package 
of Gold-Dust Powder aloft.] 

Gold-Dust Twins. 

Dear Master, we don't mean to shirk. 
When married we will do your work! 

[They put packages on table. Dutch Cleanser and Dutch 
Paint enter R. Gold-Dust Twins attempt to push them back, 
but fail.] 

Pure Food [reprovingly'] . 

No scrapping! Work enough for all! 
Dutch Paint [nods; holds up package of paint]. 

For painter ! 
[Puts paint on table with bow to prospective bride and groom.] 

Dutch Cleanser. 

Scrubber ! 

[Holds up Cleanser, then deposits it on table with Dutch 
courtesy.] 

Winchester Rifle [rushes in from L. after firing shot outside 
holding rabbit up by tail.] 
One and all! 

[Deposits rabbit on table with a bow.] 
Heinz Pickle [runs in L.]. 

If e'er you find your husband fickle, 
Just dry your tears and eat a pickle. 
[With bozv sets jar of pickles on table near Uneeda.] 
Quaker Oats [enters R.]. 

Some sound advice from Oats, the Quaker, 
If she don't love you — this will make her. 

[Puts package of Quaker Oats near Pure Food.] 



LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 19 

Baker's Cocoa [enters L.]. 

A breakfast from my tray's a treat — 
'Twill make the marriage morning sweet. 

[Sets tray with two cups on tabic. Quaker Oats leads her to 
R. and they stand lovingly together.] 

McLaren Cheese [enters R.]. 

Before her hand you slyly squeeze — 

Be sure you win her with a cheese ! 
[With how puts cheese near Pure Food on table.] 
Ralston Miller [enters L.]. 

Since bread's the only staff of life — 

My floury blessing on your wife ! 
[Bows and puts package of flour on table near Uneeda.] 
Hiawatha Pure Spring Water [enters R.~\. 

If water is your chosen drink — 

You'll be a happy pair, I think. 

[Sets water in middle of table. Bozvs and goes to Winchester 
Rifle who reaches out hand to her.] 

Swift's Cook [enters L., goes to table]. 

When at these things I take a look — 
It seems to me you need a Cook. 

[Shoves things to either side and sits in middle of table. Holds 
can of bacon in one hand, can of ham in the other. Pure Food 
and Uneeda rise, bowing to all R. and L.] 

[curtain] 

Curtain ascends again and back of all those on stage who have 
presented gifts, stand Spotless-Town People. Each holds high 
above his head a cake of Sapolio. 

[curtain] 



20 LOVE STORY OF UNEEDA AD 

SCENt II. 

Setting same as before. Stage is clear with exception of raised 
dais at back. Two chairs on dais side by side. Dais decorated 
with placards and other advertising signs of various food products. 
Sound of "Lohengrin Bridal Chorus" oh Victor Phonograph. 
Enter from R. Pure Food and Uneeda — bride and groom — fol- 
lowed by other couples — Winchester Rifle and Hiawatha 
Pure Spring Water, Quaker Oats and Baker's Cocoa, 
Dutch Paint and Dutch Cleanser, McLaren Cheese and 
Ralston Miller, Heinz Pickle and Peter Milk Chocolate. 
Swift's Cook precedes procession. Gold-Dust Twins hold 
Uneeda's train. Hiawatha Pure Spring Water carries bow 
and arrow. Winchester Rifle carries gun. Quaker Oats 
carries old flag with inscription "Don't Tread on Me." Dutch 
Paint carries flag of Holland. McLaren Cheese carries flag of 
Scotland. Peter Milk Chocolate carries flag of Switzerland. 
Heinz Pickle carries white flag and picture of big green pickle on 
it with "57." Swift's Cook carries white flag ornamented with 
pictures of bacon and ham. Ralston Miller carries large United 
States flag. 

While Wedding-March is played, procession circles round stage, 
forms figures, etc. Swift's Cook finally escorts Pure Food and 
Uneeda to seats on dais. Flags, during march, and after couple 
are seated, are deposited at sides of dais, United States flag above 
and back of bridal couple. As United States flag is put in place, 
music changes to "Star- Spangled Banner." Music ceases and 
characters group evenly to right and left. Hiawatha and Win- 
chester Rifle step forward and execute Indian dance together. 
Indian music accompanies dance. Indian dance is followed by 
McLaren Cheese in Highland Fling to Scottish music — preferably 
on bagpipes. McLaren Cheese is followed by Dutch Paint 
and Dutch Cleanser in wooden-shoe dance with appropriate 
music. Peter Milk Chocolate does Swiss dance to Yodel mu- 
sic. Quaker Oats and Baker's Cocoa do a demure Quaker 
dance to Reuben and Rachel music. Gold-Dust Twins do a 
cake-walk to rag-time music. As Gold-Dust Twins retire, music 
of Virginia Reel starts in. Pure Food and Uneeda rise and come 
down stage to extreme front, hand in hand. Spotless-Town 
People rush in. All take partners. Two sets form for Virginia 
Reel which is danced vigorously until fall of curtain. Ham Devil 
sneaks in with Spotless-Town People and is seen dancing reel 
with pretty girl. 

[curtain] 



Lift of TwowCharaeter Plays Continued from Second Cover Page of This Booh 



Morning Call. 15c. C. Dance. Romantic 
Comedy in i act. i hour, im, if. Party 
of men at English country house bet that 
a young widow can be made to break her 
resolution not to remarry, and appoint a 
fascinating one of their number to make 
the trial. Informed of the bet through 
woman friend, widow is prepared, and so 
manages that the would-be joker proposes 
in earnestness and is accepted. 

Needles and Pins. 50c. Helen M. Schus- 
ter. Illustrated Pantomimed Song or Dia- 
logue for mi, if. Can be given by 2i. 
This is the well-known song bringing in 
"Needles and pins, when a man marries 
his trouble begins." Words by F. E. 
Weatherly; music by F. N. Lohr. In sheet 
music form. 6 photographs. Full music 
and directions. 

"Nettle, The." 15c. E. Warren. Ro- 
mantic Comedy in i act. i hour, im, if. 
Man, considering himself traduced by news- 
paper, calls at office to whip editor, but 
meets and falls in love with editor's pretty 
sister, who is nice to him because she mis- 
takes him for capitalist whose aid her 
brother expects. Man, learning that article 
does not refer to him, presents whip to 
girl for her brother's use on belligerent 
callers, proposes and is accepted. 

Olga; or, The Franco=Russian Spy. 

25c. W. F. Trayes. Drama, im, if. 40 
min. Russian interior scene. Police in- 
spector visits woman spy and asks for pa- 
pers she holds incriminating husband of 
woman Inspector loves and whom he would 
spare. The woman spy, bent on vengeance 
on husband, once her own lover, refuses 
to give up papers, but yields on learning 
that her own husband, a French spy, has 
been caught and she herself is implicated by 
papers found on him, and on Inspector's 
threat to turn her over to Russian mob. 
Pair of Lunatics. 15c. w. R. Walkes. 
Romantic Comedy Mad-house Scene in 1 
act. 25 min. im, if. Young man and 
woman, invi _-d guests at ball at insane 
asylum, mistake each other for insane, and 
do all sorts of stunts to get out of their 
supposed predicament. 

Poe's Wife, Death of, Scene from. 

35c. J. Mount Bleyer. From unpublished 
play. im, if. 10 min. Watching by the 
bedside of his dying wife Poe, under the 
stimulation of opium, composes his famous 
poem, "The Raven." WR19. 
Those Landladies. 15c. Ina L. Cassilis. 
Comedy Boarding-house Scene in 1 act. 15 
min. 2f. English landlady (typical) enters 
young ladv lodger's room to dust and in- 
cidentally to chat. Young lady is absorbed 
with letter from sweetheart, making re- 
marks which landlady mistakes as addressed 
to her, resulting in comical confusion. 
When young lady notes landlady's presence 
she indignantly leaves room, followed by 
uncomplimentary comments from landlady. 



Show of Hands. 15c. w. R. Walkes. 
Romantic Comedy in 1 act. 40 min. im, 
if. Lovers are opposed by girl's fad-in- 
clined father, who thinks he sees in suitor's 
hand evil propensities. Girl then imagines 
her own palm reveals same propensities; 
and, when she goes to her father with her 
discovery, he is horrified to find same 
marks in his hand. They are about to sur- 
render to the authorities as preventative 
measure, when father discovers he has been 
looking at wrong diagram in his book, and 
that all their hands really show noble 
qualities. 

Sisterly Confidences. 35c. R- Brough- 

ton. Comedy Dialogue. 25 min. 2f. Se- 
date girl declines to communicate her flirt- 
ing sister's refusal, and recalls how many 
lovers she has turned down for sister. 
Their Graduating Essays. 15c. Elise 
West. Comedy Play. 1 act. 20 min. 2f. 
Two school girls confer in writing gradua- 
ting essays, cribbing from encyclopedias, 
and interlarding driest historical matter, 
most gushing sentimental matter, with friv- 
olous remarks about their chums, their 
dresses, etc. Full of school-girl nonsense. 
May end with unseen chorus. 

Trial Performance. 25c. Pauline Phelps. 

Comedy Play. 1 act. 2f. 15 min. Scene 
between theatrical agent and stage-struck 
country girl determined to get a hearing, 
and who inflicts samples of acting on dis- 
comforted agent. Opportunity for varied 
performance. 

Two Jolly Girl Bachelors. 15c. 

E. Martin-Seymour. Romantic Farce in 1 
act. 40 min. 2f. Two girlc, .nfluenced by 
woman crank, believe that their lives will 
become "settled and made perfect" by re- 
nouncing men and marriage, and that then 
they can devote themselves to "healing the 
sick through the concords of music," finally 
weaken, pick up letters (which have been 
lying untouched under the door) from their 
lovers, who. they declare, "will very soon 
make two happy wives out of Two Jolly 
Girl Bachelors." 

Villain and Victim. 15c. W. R. Walkes. 

Farcical Matrimonial Scene in 1 act. 40 
min. im, if. Young married couple in- 
terrupt rehearsal of their parts in forth- 
coming amateur theatricals by making love 
and apologizing for treating each other as 
called for by the play, until they get jealous 
in talking of other players in the cast, be- 
coming reconciled only after they tear up 
their books and decide not to "sacrifice" 
their "happiness merely to enrich contem- 
porary drama." 

Wager. 15c. F. W. Kitchel. Comedy 
Play. 1 act. 20 min. im, if. Man, who 
has bet with his girl that he can pass for a 
tragedian without her recognizing him, ad- 
vertises as teacher of acting; she applies 
as pupil and they go through Romeo and 
Juliet scene, he winning bet. and her, too. 



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Any Play Sent Postpaid on Receipt of Price 

Address the Publishers: 

EDGAR S. WERNER (St. COMPANY. 43 E. 19th Street. New YorX 



LIBHAMY Ur UUINUMtOt) 




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PANTOMIME 

Sworfc Of 
IRobert E. Xee 



Poem by FATHER RYAN 



Eight Full-figure Illustrations from Life. 
Directions for 'Pantomiming and Reciting 



PUBLISHED IN TWO PARTS 

Part I. Beautiful sheet (16^x23 inches) in colors, with large 
portrait of Lee, pantomimic illustrations from life illustrating 
poem "Sword of Robert E. Lee," illustration of Lee's Sword, 
and of Confederate Flag (in colors). This picture is intend- 
ed for framing and is on cardboard paper. If framed in 
Confederate gray wood frame, it makes a beautiful home 
picture. 

Part II. Artistic booklet (7x9% inches) extra heavy fine 
paper. Cover is embossed, and has photographic reproduc- 
tion of Lee's Sword, Confederate Flag, and Virginia State 
Flag. (Photograph loaned by R. E. Lee, Esq.) This 
booklet contains poem "Sword of Robert E. Lee" and 
directions for pantomiming and reciting. Splendid souvenir 
for Lee's Birthday, Confederate Day, and other occasions. 
Price £1., postpaid, for the two parts 

Each part is mailed separately. 




Order diretl from the Publishers : 

EDGAR S. WERNER & COMPANY 

43 East 19th Street, NEW YORK 




